In episode 1, feisty Lin Homer, Professor of Border Protection Studies, vowed to get some answers out of the headmaster, Professor Sir David Panic Normington KCB. MagicGates had been installed at 10 UK airports without her knowledge ... Episode 2 saw the unceremonious defenestration of James Hall, Professor of Draft Framework Agreement Studies. As he exits the headmasters study and lurches into the lobby holding his leaving present, he bumps into Lin
jh: Um er er um
lh: Yes, James, and a Merry Christmas to you, too. Blimey, new wand for Christmas? Thats a big one!
jh: Its not a wand. Its a fishing rod. A present from the staff. Apparently Duncan chose it. Thats why he missed er er the drafting meeting the other day. Ive just been fired.
lh: Dont suppose anyone will notice.
lh: Sorry James, I should be a bit more sympathetic shouldnt I, but honestly, it must be a relief to get out of Morgue House, surely?
jh: Its Globe House, not Morgue House.
lh: That bourne from which no traveller returns Its generally accepted James that the entire building is staffed by corpses.
jh: Dont be ridiculous. Im the Registrar of Deaths for England and Wales, at least I was, and I can assure you that very few of my now ex-staff at Morgue House appear on the register.
lh: You mean Globe House. What did Panic can you for?
jh: Didnt like the interview I did with Dave Birch.
lh: Oh yes, the tea lady told me about that, she says you spent ages explaining that the National Identity Scheme is all about passports, not ID cards, and then said the next major challenge is to work out how to do passport applications. Dolly wondered what the hell you and the legions of the undead had been doing in your mausoleum for the past three years if you hadnt even worked that out yet.
jh: These major projects involving national security only work, Lin, as you well know, if they are carried out under the terms of a precise framework agreement
lh: Yes What sort of a moods Panic in?
jh: Slippery, what else. Hes all chirpy because the CIA want to talk to him and hes very pleased with you, by the way Kept saying Abdulmutallab as though it was some sort of incantation I half expected him to pull a rabbit out of a hat But he didnt What are you doing here, by the way?
lh: Well you know the Muggles in Canberra have installed Sagems MagicGates at all their international airports? And you know my oppo in the Wallaby Border Protection Force refused to release any performance statistics? Just because they dont work Well, thats all very well for the Australians, they can get conned by the French all they like, but Im damned if Im going to play the raw prawn, and now I discover some nincompoops only been and gone and stuck MagicGates in my airports!
jh: Really, Lin, you are funny. Sagem are very good. They must be. IBM have just given them the contract for the biometric National Identity Register.
lh: (There is a long pause, while an aghast Professor Homer tries to work out whats going on) Good God! Youre not joking, are you, James. Fascinating ... So thats why Mears and Loudermilk crossed the Atlantic. I knew they werent here for the John Lewis sale. Look James, Id love to chat but I must see the head ASAP, so lets do lunch some time, feel free to contact me if you ever need help crossing an eBorder, and dont forget to hand in your calculator and your ID card at the door, byeee
And with that, she handed her cloak to the attendant in the corner (actually, the Home Secretary) and barged into the Beak's study
First published: No2ID
David Moss has spent seven years campaigning against the Home Office's ID card scheme.