Episode 3

January 2010

 

In episode 1, feisty Lin Homer, Professor of Border Protection Studies, vowed to get some answers out of the headmaster, Professor Sir David “Panic” Normington KCB. MagicGates had been installed at 10 UK airports without her knowledge ... Episode 2 saw the unceremonious defenestration of James Hall, Professor of Draft Framework Agreement Studies. As he exits the headmaster’s study and lurches into the lobby holding his leaving present, he bumps into Lin …

jh: Um … er … er … um …

lh: Yes, James, and a Merry Christmas to you, too. Blimey, new wand for Christmas? That’s a big one!

jh: It’s not a wand. It’s a fishing rod. A present from the staff. Apparently Duncan chose it. That’s why he missed er … er … the drafting meeting the other day. I’ve just been fired.

lh: Don’t suppose anyone will notice.

jh: What?

lh: Sorry James, I should be a bit more sympathetic shouldn’t I, but honestly, it must be a relief to get out of Morgue House, surely?

jh: It’s Globe House, not Morgue House.

lh: That bourne from which no traveller returns … It’s generally accepted James that the entire building is staffed by corpses.

jh: Don’t be ridiculous. I’m the Registrar of Deaths for England and Wales, at least I was, and I can assure you that very few of my now ex-staff at Morgue House appear on the register.

lh: You mean Globe House. What did Panic can you for?

jh: Didn’t like the interview I did with Dave Birch.

lh: Oh yes, the tea lady told me about that, she says you spent ages explaining that the National Identity Scheme is all about passports, not ID cards, and then said the next major challenge is to work out how to do passport applications. Dolly wondered what the hell you and the legions of the undead had been doing in your mausoleum for the past three years if you hadn’t even worked that out yet.

jh: These major projects involving national security only work, Lin, as you well know, if they are carried out under the terms of a precise framework agreement …

lh: Yes … What sort of a mood’s Panic in?

jh: Slippery, what else. He’s all chirpy because the CIA want to talk to him and he’s very pleased with you, by the way … Kept saying “Abdulmutallab” as though it was some sort of incantation … I half expected him to pull a rabbit out of a hat … But he didn’t … What are you doing here, by the way?

lh: Well you know the Muggles in Canberra have installed Sagem’s MagicGates at all their international airports? And you know my oppo in the Wallaby Border Protection Force refused to release any performance statistics? Just because they don’t work … Well, that’s all very well for the Australians, they can get conned by the French all they like, but I’m damned if I’m going to play the raw prawn, and now I discover some nincompoop’s only been and gone and stuck MagicGates in my airports!

jh: Really, Lin, you are funny. Sagem are very good. They must be. IBM have just given them the contract for the biometric National Identity Register.

lh: (There is a long pause, while an aghast Professor Homer tries to work out what’s going on) Good God! You’re not joking, are you, James. Fascinating ... So that’s why Mears and Loudermilk crossed the Atlantic. I knew they weren’t here for the John Lewis sale. Look James, I’d love to chat but I must see the head ASAP, so let’s do lunch some time, feel free to contact me if you ever need help crossing an eBorder, and don’t forget to hand in your calculator and your ID card at the door, byeee …

And with that, she handed her cloak to the attendant in the corner (actually, the Home Secretary) and barged into the Beak's study …

David Moss has spent seven years campaigning against the Home Office's ID card scheme.

© 2010 Business Consultancy Services Ltd

on behalf of Dematerialised ID Ltd

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